Today was another one of those days.
Must be one of those weeks.
The kind where the city is going to end up killing you or you will end up killing someone.
I think I used up my audition karma for the week, too. I don’t think in 5 years I have ever wanted to throttle a piano player.
So Auditions 12 and 13 all happened in the same place within two hours of one another. Again, walked in, got some times, all worked out. Except for dealing with a Typhoid victim who would NOT stop coughing and clearly had no interest in getting a drink of water, sucking on a lozenge, or just dying to give the rest of us some peace and quiet. And except for the guy who walked around and read the breakdowns out loud to himself and rationalized what role he was perfect for. Out – Loud.
That Equity building is a comedy sketch I am telling you.
I straddled both worlds today with a musical audition and a Shakespeare one. The former was first.
I have to say that I have been relatively lucky in the past 5 years to have great accompanists in auditions.
Well…except for the one lady who could not play my song and literally stopped three bars into it thus leaving me to sing acapella but coming in at the end with an inappropriate button.
And the guy who decided to change keys in the middle of my song for no good reason.
Still – 2 in 5 is not bad. But today was the worst. The WORST. Here is how it went:
Audition 12 by Sevan K. Greene
[Sevan walks into the room]
Man-Behind-Table: Hey there. How are you?
Me: Great. And yourself?
[Sevan walks to accompanist and set folder down]
Me: Please play these two measures [measures are HIGHLIGHTED] and give me a bell tone.
Shit-For-Brains-Piano-Man: What are you singing?
Me: [Song Title]
S-F-B-P-M: No, what are you singing? How am I supposed to follow you?
Me: Just follow that melody line [HIGHLIGHTED] and the bass line [HIGHLIGHTED].
S-F-B-P-M: But I don’t know what you’re singing.
Me: I had to remove the lyrics because they were cramping up the staves. This was cleaner. Sorry about that. But just play this [HIGHLIGHTED] after the bell tone and we’ll be good.
[silence from S-F-B-P-M]
[Sevan walks to center. Bell tone given. Sevan sings. NO accompaniment is played. And when it does come in it is not in the same key.]
Sevan: I’m sorry, can we do that again?
[M-B-T smiles congenially.]
S-F-B-P-M: Yeah, you were singing it in a different key than what I have.
Sevan: [to himself] Then why did you play that bell tone moron? No worries. Just play that highlighted part and we’ll be good and I will go along.
[S-F-B-P-M just starts playing without a bell tone. Sevan stands there hoping he will stop and wait. He doesn’t.]
Sevan: I’m sorry, let’s do that again. Please just play the tone and then accompaniment. [to M-B-T] Sorry about this.
[M-B-T smiles. Looks down. He is now feeling my pain and has lost interest. Before Sevan even has a chance to breathe and look out and set himself, S-F-B-P-M starts playing. Sevan gives up and just sings. M-B-T never looks up once. Song ends.]
Sevan: [to M-B-T] Thank you.
[Sevan walks to S-F-B-P-M and takes folder.]
Thanks for nothing you cocking moron. Get a new job you raging hemorrhoid. Thank you.
[End of Scene]
I was…in a word…seething. A friend who happened to be there and went in before me (Hi Leah!) said that he was playing something funky that wasn’t even on the page.
Look, buddy, your job is to play what is on the page and what we ask you to and not to argue back and question when I know exactly what I want and need to sing the damn song.
Thank God I had an hour and a half before my next one. It gave me time to sit and relax.
Well, once I moved away from Typhoid Mary.
Audition 13 was a relative breeze. In and out. I had fun. I got a few chortles. I moved on. And now I am sitting down to get this out of my system before I truly do kill the next person who leans on me as they fall asleep, steps on my feet, bumps into my twig and berries with their bag, or looks over my shoulder to read my Kindle.
If you see me on NY1 you won’t be too terribly surprised, I imagine.
No more auditions for this week as I need a wet nap for my brain and holy water for my soul.