Ok, so I had the most amazing dream last night, which depressed me when I woke up and realized where I was. So I am at a dance competition (which is odd in itself) and my turn comes up. The odd thing is that I am in one of those hotel rooms used during conferences. Even odder is that I am dancing on a tilting platform. But the weirdest, but best part, is that Gwen Verdon is one of the judges. I thought I was going to die. I do this jazz/tap routine with a cane. I am doing things I never thought I could: machine gun riffs, flipping off of walls, split switch leaps. I get done and the entire room erupts in applause and I jump off the platform out of breath and Gwen Verdon gets up, with another judge I could not recognize, and they escort me to the back of the room where they close a curtain around us (like in hospitals–those privacy curtains). They start talking to me but I am so out of breath and focused on breathing that I can’t understand what they are saying. The room clears and more people come in and I am asked if I am ready to do my performance again, which leaves me confused, I thought it was a competition. I say, “I don’t think I can do it that good again.” And I finally hear Verdon say, “Yes you can. And you’re going to be great. You always will be.” I look at her, she smiles, and I wake up.

If I was ever more determined to leave Florida, it is now. All I need is that flippin green card in my hand for my freedom. Even with all the recent problems in NY, I still want to go there. I have been obsessed with living there ever since my first family vacationed there. I remember everything so vividly and I want to be engulfed by that city.

I said goodbye to one of my comp classes today. It was somewhat bittersweet because they are without a doubt the best class I have ever taught in my three years at USF. They were 24 of the best students I could ever ask for. Inquisitve. Curious. Unafraid. Vocal. Talented. I don’t think I will ever have a class like that again. They are a rarity. I will truly miss some of those crazy kids. But I am glad to know they are all progressing in their lives and college careers. It makes me feel good to know that there are people like this going out into the real world. It gives me hope that this society will turn around.

Of course, back at my home front I was in a battle with the pressure washers. I was awakened by the noise and ran to get my plants out of the way. 15 minutes later, he shows up and goes to town on the breezeway and walls. Of course, I am spying because I think it is cool. I am standing behind the door and neglect to notice that he begins cleaning the door. You would think the door would be airtight, but nooooooooooooo. So there I was…sprayed through the crack with steamy grimy water, which got over the carpet and stoop floor. I proceeded to get some paper towels to mop up the puddle and JUST as I am finishing, here he comes again. By now, my glasses are speckled and my white shirt is turning gray. I get some more paper towels, get it dry and AS I am throwing the wads away….there he is again.

Well, after falling asleep at 3:30 and waking up at 8 (both a.m.) I was looking forward to coming home from school and taking a nap. But no. I started writing in the new journal while one of my classes wrote an in-class essay. It was amazing how much just came pouring out. I had to eventually stop because everyone was done and they were just starting at me. I came home and went through all my memory storage boxes and was consumed for four hours looking at everything I have collected (I am a BAD pack rat) and reading all the notes I ever got in high school (except for a small selection which I believe is stored SOMEWHERE, althoughI have no clue). What an acid trip down memory lane. I had forgotten a lot of my high school days. I laughed at things I could remember and strained to remind myself of the situations the notes were about. I found notes from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-best friend, my first year in America, and so much more. I expected the notes to throw me back into a state of hating my life, but I feel so relieved after reading those notes, but saddened because I miss those people. As turbulent as those times were I had the best friends in the world and I loved them dearly. I still do. I wish I could go back and relive all those times. I hope I run into those people one day and although I know things will not be the same, I just want one more chance to smile and give them a big hug.

I have felt like a bi-polar schizophrenic all day long. I have been in a state of binary oppositions since I woke up: sleep vs. wake up, eat vs. don’t eat, work vs. watch TV, go see a movie vs. veg at home, write vs. read. It’s one of those days where I hate my life and feel totally unfulfilled about everything.

I finally left the house to hang out with Sara for a bit. Still felt like crap despite the efforts made to keep me involved. I did, however, buy a new journal. My old one is not even half filled, but it has been about two years since I wrote an entry and I need to start anew. It may sound weird, and Sara agreed, that sometimes a journal has so much negative energy and thoughts that you can’t go back to it and you have to start fresh, and I truly believe that. I find it hard enough to read the old journals let alone keep writing in them. So I got a plain black ringed journal with white pages…no line…no confinement….no rules. Just me and my thoughts. This could either be extremely cathartic for me, or extremely painful….which I guess would fulfill the first.

I don’t know how I could have possibly forgotten to mention this last night since it was extremely devastaing to me. I wear a purple bracelet (one of those 80s ones) on my left wrist that I have had on since I was in 4th grade (16 years). My childhood best friend and I traded them and promised we would never take them off, and until yesterday that was true for me. After my resignation speech I went to sit down in the auditorium to look at some pictures from the festival. I got up when I was done and look at my hand and it was gone. My heart dropped and I thought I was going to have a panic attack until I found it on the ground. It had totally split in half. Mind you, I have had to repair it two other times with a threaed and needle, but both times it stayed on my wrist. This was the first time it had ever been off. I freaked out and was on the verge of a breakdown. I know it sounds really silly to be obssessing over something like that, but it is what it represents and what it means to me. I am very into symbols and signs, so believe me I had a field day analyzing that one. I tried tucking it away so I could save it somewhere, but I could not bear not having it on, so I got some some needle and thread and repaired it again. Again, I know it sounds silly but that bracelet represents so much to me about the first half of my life and the people I knew and the person I was, and although I have a second one on my hand that means just as much, I couldn’t let the other one go.

So I fought a losing battle with being asked to spend some time with the chillun’ I work with. I threw caution to the wind and went and it was actually a lot of fun. Again, an evening full of laughter. But first, a little background:

On the one night when 22 of the chillun were in my room, most until 4:30 a.m., one of the students nicknamed the group Fa-Fa’s (all consonants followed by “a” should be pronounced “ay”) kids because I felt that they were like my kids (mostly because I had 9 people laying on me one of which was drooling and another making kissy faces when he fell asleep). Anyway, I was with some of the family tonight including Te-Te the Brown, Fe-Fe Jr., aka the Elf, Ma-Ma the Hobbit, and Na-Na the Jew.

I felt EXTREMELY weird about going over and hanging out with people much younger than I am, but it was actually a lot of fun just sitting back, watching a movie, and cracking on people…well, just one person in particular, La-La the Ambiguous Blonde. I managed to bring my bandanna thwacking skills back into use and gave La-La a welt, and getting Fa-Fa, Jr. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT in the crack.

Mind you, this of course makes it ALL so much harder to leave and that was my largest hindrance in wanting to go. In keeping with yesterday’s post, breaking connections are much easier when they are surface and become very complicated when I let them move beyond any point of comfort. Hell, I am human and I didn’t expect it not to happen. I only do have myself to blame. I know that sounds like regret and maybe a small part of me does feel like that. I have no clue what the other part feels like. I am not against making friends. Sara razzes me for having 106 people on my buddy list. I take pride in having a large circle of friends….HOWEVER….not all my friends are close friends. I think there are maybe two or three people who know everything there is to know about me, and while being silent may seem duplicitous in my friendships, I prefer to think of it as concealing all the dark corners of my life that should not have to have any bearing on my friendships except for those nosey little fuckers who make it their business to find out. The way I think about it, the more people know, the closer they are, and the closer they are, the harder it is when the friendship ends or dissipates. And that is not pessimism; that is realism. Makes me sound misanthropic and lonely but it is not like I give all my friendships lip service for the purpose of making other people happy. I wouldn’t waste my time and you really can’t pick your friends sometimes. As my best friend’s mom once said: People are thrown in your life sometimes for no reason and you may never figure it out. But you will find them when you least expect it and smile when you realize why.

No, not boo in “that “sense (and I refer to Senior boo, not Junior boo). So I FINALLY get to hang out with CJ after about three months of not seeing him. Every time we hang out it is an experience filled with raucous laughter. He is truly one of the good people and one of the greatest people I have ever come across in my life. But EVERY TIME we go out people think we are an item…and that is just funny in itself. The last time we hung out we went to Applebees and at one point one of us ordered dessert and the waitress bought it out with two spoons. We just looked at each other and laughed.

So tonight he comes over and he decides we are going to Crazy Buffet, an immensely HUGE Chinese/Japanese buffet place and very chi-chi. Of course, he lies to me that he has been there before which prompts me to make his ass pay for dinner in return. So I punch him for the lie and the two hosts say “Now now boys, no playing rough or we’ll have to punish you.” I look around and I swear to God my gaydar went off the hook.
This place is so confusing that it actually requires a touring lecture to understand the process. CJ and I retained none of this inormation. We sit, and Brad our waiter comes over. This is obviously his first time because he is so nervous and skittish. It takes him back any time one of us makes a request and he always circles our table like a vulture.

Shift scene to trip #3 for food and I notice that ALL the waiters are male, only ONE Asian, and they are ALL gay. Oh it gets better. I look around our room and I notice that it is nothing but guys…and yes…they are gay. I lean over to CJ and tell him this and he looks around and we just bust out laughing.  We were being stared down and we just kept laughing our asses off all evening. Thank God he is such a good sport about all this.

But the restaurant did have good food, even if it was a little pricy. I will surely miss my boo when he leaves for England. It just makes me realize that I too need to move on. I really need out of here because I am simply not happy anymore.

I have returned from my 4-day sojourn to the Florida State Thespian Conference. I am so tired right now that my eyes are puffy and burning from lack of sleep. I went to bed at 5:30 a.m. and woke up at 8 and got home. I have also never had such an emotionally charged conference that traveled from rage to depression to extremely high levels of humor. I have never laughed so hard and for so long in my entire life as I did last night/early morning. It was definitely a lot of fun despite all the little things that wanted to make me pack my bags and leave. I realized I had a larger obligation there. Besides, the wall chipper keeps going at me so badly that I am starting to get affected.

In amazing news, Target now has SUPER Target stores like the Super Wal-Marts. Can you say excitement? I am plotzing at the idea of a Super Target, but there are none in my general area. DAMN!!!!!!

I am going to look forward to just relaxing and vegging tonight while watching John Leguizamo’s Sexaholic, since my slut of a VCR went off early and recorded Sister Act 2 instead. Bastard.

BTW, anyone else notice that the clique trend has died. I tried to update all my clique memberships and they are ALL gone or shut down. Damn! And I kinda liked it.

No, it’s not Rotunda and the Bitch Boy. It’s a plague much darker and evil. The FROGS. I should have known that moving to an apartment directly over the lake would bring problems from the critters. Crickets, I can stand. Ducks, are fine. But those DAMN frogs. They are so FREAKING loud. I have been up until 4:30 a.m. for the last four days. Granted, some of that is because I can’t seem to fall asleep, but those damned amphibians are not helping the cause at all. ARGH!!!!

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to spending another lovely week at the Florida State Thespian Conference. I am judging and presenting workshops again this year and chaperoning the drama kids I work with. It should all prove to be a VERY interesting weekend. And by intersting I mean: hyperemotional, juvenile, exhausting, interesting, banal, hackneyed, stressful, tiring……

So I spent most of my day with Jorge, my triple threat friend. And by that I mean Latino, gay, and hearing impaired. We were supposed to go to lunch at a gay restaurant, which begged the question: What makes a gay restaurant GAY? So I admit I was intrigued, but it was closed, so we hadlunch at La Teresita with the most interesting wait staff. Ay dios mio! Then we drove around and he showed me Hyde Park…how bougie and chi-chi. I would NEVER shop there. First of all, I have no money, and second, it looks like you need a friggin’ dress code for that place. Then we went to Treasures and Tomes. A gay bookstore/coffee shop. What an INTERESTING place. My experience in visiting gay establishments is very small, limited to about three places in the last 8 years, so it is a little off-putting whenever I go into one. I always feel like I have to act a certain way, and by my actor’s nature, I tend to fit in anywhere I go like a chameleon. But it was fun, I had a hazlenut chai latte made up by this VERY unhappy butch lez and then surfed the stacks and magazine racks. I did not realize there were SO many gay magazines out there. Inlcuding one VERY interesting one…Foreskin Quarterly. WHY in God’s name ANYONE would read that??

Anyway, we ran some errands, I took him home and then booked it over to Sara’s to hang out and play XBox and talk and watch TV and love on her cats. I have fun over there. I think I spend more time there than in my own apartment. I even did the dishes. THAT is a true sign of comfort. While I was there I talked to a former student who suggested I make web sites for side $. I did not think I had that ability, but he seems to think so and said he could throw some clients my way. I talked to Sara and it turns out we both had designs to do something like that. So we may go into business doing small-to mid level sites. I think it would be fun, and God knows I could use the friggin money.

Still crossing fingers for teaching jobs in the summer so I can LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!