Your perception of someone which ends up slightly skewed from what the reality is? Or the reality that the person is everything you despise and dislike in people?

On an unrelated note, I must be the only person I know who treats their dreams as reality. Are they so vivid that when I wake up I think they really happened? Or am I so emotionally shaken by my dreams that I wonder if they really did/will happen? or that the remotest possibility of it happening bums me out? Or maybe it’s nothing post-cognitive and it’s just my paranoid subconscious creating more chaos. I woke up from a horrible dream that just completely depressed me and I feel so bummed out right now. And now that I think about it, it is related to the first part of this blog. Is it stupid to set your hopes on/in one person or is it ignorant and naively hopeful pessimism?

My head is starting to hurt. . .

For the first time since I cannot remember I rolled down my car windows, turned off the radio, placed my head back against the headrest and just drove home feeling the wind rustling through my hair and hearing it whirl by. Something about it was just so calming and soothing. I feel so zen-like.

So Sara pointed me to the latest in blog fads. Seems really interesting although the idea of answering some of these questions totally goes against my walled-upness (that is SO not a word), but I shall answer what I can and plead the fifth on those that are none of anyone’s damn business. Does that mean I fail the mission??

PromoGuy’s Monday Mission 2.18

1. Do you have any tattoos? If no, why not and what would you get if you did get one. If you do have one or more, tell us how you came to get it, and why you chose the design you got inked with.
Nope. Never had the urge to get one. My piercing was my one “crazy” thing to do although I have always wanted to get a tatoo either on my foot or my shoulder blade of camel drama masks. I don’t get it either since camels are not my favorite animals, but why fix the faulty identification if it ain’t broke.

2. Has anything ever happened that caused you to believe, or disbelieve, in a Higher Power.
Well, I definitely do believe in a higher power/force/controlling factor. I don’t necessarily call it God or follow some kind of church dogma to explain it to myself. I definitely have my own set of “different” beliefs, but there is definitely a place for that higher power. Something has to be controlling all this, right? As for certain things, well, I could go with silly wishes that come true, but I rely mostly on connections. Everything and everyone is connected in some way and the people who I meet in my life, sometimes by the oddest of circumstances, who make a huge impact and change my or my views when I least expect it are, I believe, part of that certain something. It makes me wonder how they come into my life.

3. Have you ever seriously considered, or even attempted, suicide?
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. As much as life, and my life, pisses me off and is a constant daily struggle, I still do enjoy what it has to bring me. Besides, I would never get to meet those crazy people in my life if I had not stuck around. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

4. Has anyone you have known committed suicide?
Yes. Three friends.

5. This weekend you and I are going to the nature park for a picnic. I’ll bring the blanket and make all the arrangements. You pack the picnic basket. What’s inside?
Um….food? Fine fine…the details. Deviled eggs, potato salad, funky sandwiches, utensils.

6. Have you ever been mad at God for something that happened (or didn’t happen)?
Nope. No point to it. Things may or may not be predestined but I can’t blame anyone else for the things that go wrong in my life. I make my own decisions and I have to live with them. When they do or don’t happen on larger outside scales, I just have to say, “whatever is meant to be will be,” and “everything happens for a reason.” I really believe everything has a purpose even if it is not immediately identifiable.

7. Post (or describe) an image of someone that is no longer with us. Tell us about that person.
Hm. Probably my grandmother: short, stocky woman with a lot of energy. I always remember her with stark white hair and wrinkles that spoke of a loaded history of tears and sorrow. She used to aggravate me as a child until I learned more about her life. She was a survivor of the Armenian holocaust (her escape/rescue is just an amazing story). Since she was the only survivor in her family (I assume) our family line begins and ends with her. As the matriarch she was the root of our family tree and my biggest regret is that I can’t trace my family history past her. She made the most amazing food and I used to watch in amazement at all the old-world things she used to do (like healing methods and such).

BONUS: Who are you?
No one.

So I finally bit the bullet and bought my own little piece of land in cyberspace. I am sick of geocities, the pop-up ads, and the new bullshit about charging for FTP service. Money hungry bastards. So, I found a really cheap hosting company and HERE I AM!!!!!

“Style is something invented by class conscious countries to make other countries feel inferior.”
God knows I am not a slave to fashion. I still wear plaid shirts that I bought from a thrift store for 50 cents in 1993.

I am living in some biblical farce. I come home after a surprise dinner that some friends gave me for my birthday and I drop something as I walk up the walkway. I bend down and there are HORDES of frogs just staring at me and all of a sudden a wail of frog croaks erupts around the lake. I can still hear them now. What next? Locusts?

So the birthday was not bad. Had some very pleasant surprises. It was a nice day. Next!!!!

As a comp teacher many would assume that I have impecable speaking and writing skills…however…one look at my blog and you would think that I couldn’t read or write and drew pictures with a stick on a clay tablet. Frankly, if you get the jist, deal with the errors. My hands type too fast, my mind races, and I have no time to spell check.

On an odd note, for some reason the entire month of my September 2001 archive will not show up on my pages and is missing from the republish page. I can type in the addy and the page with all the entries ofr that month is right there, but it exists nowhere else. I am thoroughly confused. I know…like any of you really care.

These results were frightening to say the least. Mostly because they are true:

You are so adamant in your present beliefs that you are not willing to concede to anything. You are dictatorial in presenting these ideas, and are not open to other people’s views. The way you are feeling at present, there is little that anyone can do to dissuade you or to change attitudes in you that are now deeply entrenched. You will find that you are more popular in life if you can open your mind to the possibility that others have insights of their own to offer.

You are very self-sufficient and are very orderly in your daily planning. You presume to know where you are going … but you need to find a soulmate who will feel empathy with the way you are, someone who will not make demands on you and who is, as they say in Italy, “simpatico”.

Your confidence has been shattered… There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled, and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination… they are real, and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour…but in order to develop your “inner- self” you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals.. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all … The existing situation is not of your liking. You have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others … and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of “total surrender”. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome; You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able can you maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence “you need to be needed” … and at the same time… ..”you need to need”.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as “someone special” is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special.. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this “complex” by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play … or in the home. Stop trying so hard… and you will find that people will like you for who you are … not for who you are pretending to be….

So tomorrow is my birthday. I think I managed to successfully keep it from most people. I did slip and tell Sara assuming that she knew, at which point I was yelled at. Honestly, birthdays are quite pointless to me. They were when I turned 21. So another year has come and gone and I have officially reached the quarter of the century mark. So thfpt!

That using soap is a FABOOOOOOOOO substitution when you don’t have shaving cream. It actually works a lot better which makes me wonder why the hell we use and they sell shaving cream. Apart from the consumer/capitalistic needs shaving cream is pretty useless. I think we use it because it’s “fun.” All the playability of whipped cream with none of the fat gram guilt…..not that I eat it or anything.

Saw Monte Cristo with Jorge yesterday and LOVED the movie. It took me a while to remember that Guy Pearce was one of the drag queens in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (or is it dessert, I could never get those right)