I decided to forgo my typical emotional, whiny bitchy post in favor of what I first founded this damned blog on. Social criticism and pointing fucking stupid ass people….most of whom, unfortunately, I have had contact with in my life.

Two people in particular (actually, several others, but let me start with these and ease myself back into the game) are exemplary of the kind if people that not only fuck up this world, but need to get some serious Lacaanian Psychotherapy. I shall be ambiguous in my naming, but not in my description….because….frankly…I couldn’t give a shit if they read this and knew I was talking about them:
The “New” Christian Teen, or, I Swear I am a Good Christian with Good Intentions who is Really a Two-Faced, Lying, Pathetically Desperate Sex Addict

I have run across a couple of these in the last 7 years, and it is always interesting how completely antithetical they are to what they purport to be and believe. I have come to the conclusion that most of the people in this ilk are simply pure evil. In every single way. I have yet to run across any “good” Xtian who practices what they preach and is an example of what is supposedly the religion that practices the most unconditional love. This person in particular, I have caught SEVERAL times lying, being deceptive, playing mind games, and totally disrespecting and breaking every belief they supposedly have. Needless to say that when confronted, they vehemently deny it and play it off as mere idle and gossip. But….sigh…it’s amazing how useful technology can be in ferreting out the truth. Now, none of this surprises me, especially since most of the people have found the person out to be what they really are. They have no power and respect anymore and they cannot even pretend to exhibit any fraction of truth. It is people like this that give not only religion and theology a bad name, but that make this society a bad one in which to live. Much like a parasite, they fester and feed on everything good about people in some effort of Christian Charity, only to have it explode back in their face and turn the other person farther away. What appalls, and intrigues, me about these people is the tenacity they have in repeatedly going back and trying to mend what is unrepairable, due to their own ludicrous devices. What is sick is that they will use whatever levels of deception and employ whatever pawns they want in the pursuit of what they think is a God-Ordained mission to save people. What is laughable is that the very people who claim to be on missions and who claim to be able to help and change others are the very ones to need help and changing themselves. The ones who have no concrete belief and faith simply because they blindly accept without questioning and because they themselves are simply immature little grub worms. On a final, and somewhat short note, you can;t be pure of heart and pure of soul, and able to preach and convert the masses, if you need a serious bathing in holy water and some serious sin forgiving because you;re a friggin sex addict who “desecrates” their living temple and embodiment of Christ. Excuse me. Order of Hypocrisy and Irony at table one!
The Emotionally Handicapped Braniac with the Arrogant Facade who is Nothing More than A Whimpering Child Seeking Satisfaction through Controlling Others and Putting Them Down, or Why Someone Didn’t Get Enough Hugs as a Child

This one strikes me as a relatively newer category. I have come across very few people who are like this, but the one whom I do have extensive experience with should be the poster child of what happens to the offspring of seriously broken homes. It seems to me that some people who purport to know a lot about “educational” things are totally handicapped when it comes to life. Oh, they seem to be brave and able to handle any kind of problem of or situation, but in reality, they hide behind some clay edifice of arrogance mixed with the fear to get emotionally close to someone. Instead, they waste their emotions on inanimate objects and revel in destroying those people whom they deem as weaker and lesser in both brain power and human capability. Interestingly enough, they are the ones who need the most help and cry out for help in the arms of random sex partners in some weak-minded effort to feel love and comfort; naturally, they portray it as being a “pimp.” In conversations, they seem to be witty and challenge themselves with games of trying to stump and silence people, but it is no sport to prey on those who lack experience and knowledge. It;s like a wolf attacking a dead rabbit and strutting around like he chased it for hours on end and trapped it deviously. How sad and how desperate for someone to turn all their hurt and anger on those undeserving of it, and especially on those who are the ones who care the most. Granted, this may sound like sour grapes, but it is not, I assure you. I stopped caring a long time ago, and while that may seem heartless and cruel of me, I will not waste my time and emotion on those who lack the fortitude to be human beings and compassionate for a fraction of a second. There is something to be said for human kindness, and while I have a lot of it to give all around to people, I simply do not think that this kind of person will benefit from it at all. So, go ahead and surround yourself with those you consider inferiors and feel like the king of the world. Sooner or later, you will be deposed and fall on your ass, and then where will you be?

Conclusion

While it may seem that I am being a hardened asshole in defining these kinds of people and passing judgment on them, understand that passing judgment usually infers some kind of ignorance to it. I have spent more than enough time being around these individuals to make an intelligent summation of their character. They have been found wanting and life will soon deal to them what they have tried to deal to others. You see, I have always believed Karma is a bitch. And when you fuck with fate, people, and lives, in a effort to bolster your ego and make you feel better about yourself, you get it back three times harder and worst. I have seen it happen time and time again, and I just choose to sit back and watch it happen. Revenge is best served in life’s restaurant. Again, it may seem heartless and unkind of me to feel or think like this, but there are people in this world who are undeserving of any kind of sympathy because they bring the shit upon themselves and are responsible for making this word the dump that it is to live in sometimes. True, you have to have grit to go with the gravy, but even life has a strainer of some kind to separate the wheat from the chaff (talk about your mixed and extended metaphors). So I leave this post with one final comment: Get a fucking clue.

It’s good to take control back of your life and emotions.

Well…having had enough of the whole damn waiting thing, I decided to call the lawyer when I got to work and let my displeasure be known. In the midst of my calm tirade, I hear the secretary walk in. It’s the INS agent on the other line, but she just leaves a message so as not to bother him. The message is: Don’t worry. Everything’s good to go. It’s all set. Which would mean that I am ok and my app is going through and she has what she needs. HOWEVER, I am exercising some serious precaution and not gettin THAT ecstatic and celebratory until I have it in my mind. Now, I am hugely relieved and glad that she called back and everything is ok, but after this whole soured thing, I would rather be grounded and wait to see the result with my own eyes before I go buck wild. So for now… I have my green card and am waiting for it to materially appear. This is a good thing, right?

On another note….sometimes I feel like I am back in high school. Was talking to friend and I accidentally let slip some information that I assumed he knew. Naturally, as anyone would he prompted me for an explanation and tried to pump me for the info. Feeling stupid enough I felt it would be inappropriate (even if I came across the info deviously and accidentally). I have such a HUGE problem with trust (in others and what I exude) and sometimes I feel like letting out any kind or amount of information makes me seem less trustworthy in people’s eyes. I pride myself on my steel-trap mouth and the confidence people have in me (sometimes after a mere three hours). I do feel like shit for letting it slip and for not following through, but it;s so hard to determine sometimes when I can even say something. Granted, I should just follow my general rule of not even letting on that I know anything, but people know better (at least those that know me). They know I know things. Wow..amazing how something so small can make someone feel so stupid. Although, I do find it odd to be apologizing for it. What a quandary.

Well, at 1 this afternoon, my boo, CJ, left to go to college in Scotland. As if it was not hard enough that he is leaving; I barely got to spend any time with him or say goodbye in person. Granted, I did spend 7 days in New York with him, but I wanted the chance to say by face-to-face and he waited till the night before to call me back. In any case, it really sucks that he is gone. But, I know he is going there to become better than he is now and to get an education. I am really going to miss him. He is one of the very few friends who have lasted so long. I first met him when I was a senior in high school and he was in middle school, just a strange kid whose coffin I borrowed for a party and whose mother’s car I drove…and I had no clue who the kid was. I got to see him grow into his teen years (THAT was harrowing) and to see him become a fine young adult. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished and for the person he is, has become, and will become. I know he;ll probably never see this post, but I am so thankful for his friendship and for all the laughs. He has been a constant companion to me and I am sure I will see him again soon. I mean, he IS coming back during XMAS. Nevertheless, thanks for all the laughs and caring, CJ. You always be my boo, boo.

This is just depressing….

On the way home from a rather frustrating rehearsal, I came across three interesting sights:

1) Taking the off-ramp to my street I notice a car basically on top of another as if trying to push them off the road. I had no friggin clue what was going on. We get to the light at the end of the CURVED ramp and I look over and notice that one of the cars is pushing the other because, I assume, the other is not working. They actually did a damn good job of maneuvering it.

2) I had a craving for a taco so I pass by Taco Bell and behind the order thingie is a barrel with no lid and a label on it that said “Nondigestible Oil.” even scarier was the woman behind the window with the red vaselined hands. Shudder.

3) A car heading down the road with the driver door ducktaped shut..

I just have no clue….

On another note, I am enjoying my new part time job. Carrying three is fun fun fun. But I get to do what I love and i get to practice and hone my skills…even if the material is…interesting. Oh you don;t even know.

School is going well. I love my students. Very sharp and astute and willing to learn anything. Got a couple of whiners, but I suspect they will be weeded out soon enough.

Tomorrow night is the big night. The Elf and I are going to hang out with Sara, Ana, and Harmonie. God help the Elf because those girls are a handful. It will be a lot of fun and I think this is something that will do him good. He;s been in a wee bit of a slump. I really feel for him because I totally understand how he feels and where he is coming from. This is will sound really bad, and it is not meant to, but it feels really weird to be close and connected with someone again. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it is taking some adjusting from my end.

So I’ve been busy, which is an understatement. Most of this weekend is a blur to me mostly because I did so much and stayed up so late every night that my recollection is weak due to exhaustion. So where to begin….

The first, and most important, was a declaration of friendship. I battled with this for several days. I know it seems quite odd that friendships require mulling over and decision making in their creation. But I have spent my life making and losing friends and to me, my friends are my life. I live and breath through and with my friends and, to be quite honest, they are my family and always have been. I am thankful for all the friends I have made in my life, but the process of slowly losing touch with most of them due to time and space has been rough on me.

Sara made an interesting point today when I was raving about how happy I was that I never have to worry about matters of the heart or dating bullshit. Frienships are just like any other relationships and to me, in absence of “those” relationships, I have my friendships. Both are exactly the same except for the element of sex (despite the friends with benefits thing). She brought up some examples of my friendships and compared them to lovers and by God she was right. They are precisely the same. I go through the same ups and downs, the same heartbreaks and joys, and the same enjoyment of having close connections with people. And since sex is complete worthless and pointless for me, it works out grand. Of course, this substitution also explains why I occasionally had problems with some of my friends which lead to “break ups,” for lack of a better word.

Anyway, over the years I have become very guarded about the people I let into my life and to whom I lower my defenses. It saves me a lot of heartache and allows me to focus on my close friends. I have surface acquaintance friends galore (for God’s sake, I have 110 people on my buddy list) and I enjoy them just as much as my close friends. The difference is my emotional connection and the degree to which I love them (and again, I use love not in the norm).
But I digress. After four years, I finally let my guard down and let someone in again, and to be quite honest, the experience is not only exhilarating and satisfying, but fulfilling. I make it sound like some Buddhist experience, I know. But to find someone with whom I can so closely connect on all levels, with whom I can both bullshit and talk on an intellectual level, and with whom I can make laugh over and over again to no end is amazing to me.

As for this weekend… I spent Friday at rehearsal, then a birthday party, then I crashed at a friends house where I talked to a fellow immigrant until five in the morning. I got up at 9:30, went to pick up the elf (who made the most amazing breakfast I have had in a long time), and went to rehearsal until 4. Then off to a pot luck dinner until about 9:30, then socialized for a little, then came home and got on the phone until 4 a.m. A phone conversation that degraded into pure nonsense…I still cannot recollect much of the last half other than a few snippets about the movie Snatch and a discussion about the animal planet network which involved animal noises (wombat wombat wombat).

I….am…exhausted.

I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a slow day, but oh no. I had to redesign a site, had to think of a new design for mine, consoled and advised 8, I say 8, people online all at once and fielded two conversations with friends who were in tears. Tonight was the night for EVERYONE to have problems.

On a good note, I had a great dinner that Sara’s out-of-town friend Carlton made and then I came home where I now sit typing this and conversing with my fucking friend . Needless to say it has been a busy and fulfilling weekend full of surprises.

So I fought a losing battle with being asked to spend some time with the chillun’ I work with. I threw caution to the wind and went and it was actually a lot of fun. Again, an evening full of laughter. But first, a little background:

On the one night when 22 of the chillun were in my room, most until 4:30 a.m., one of the students nicknamed the group Fa-Fa’s (all consonants followed by “a” should be pronounced “ay”) kids because I felt that they were like my kids (mostly because I had 9 people laying on me one of which was drooling and another making kissy faces when he fell asleep). Anyway, I was with some of the family tonight including Te-Te the Brown, Fe-Fe Jr., aka the Elf, Ma-Ma the Hobbit, and Na-Na the Jew.

I felt EXTREMELY weird about going over and hanging out with people much younger than I am, but it was actually a lot of fun just sitting back, watching a movie, and cracking on people…well, just one person in particular, La-La the Ambiguous Blonde. I managed to bring my bandanna thwacking skills back into use and gave La-La a welt, and getting Fa-Fa, Jr. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT in the crack.

Mind you, this of course makes it ALL so much harder to leave and that was my largest hindrance in wanting to go. In keeping with yesterday’s post, breaking connections are much easier when they are surface and become very complicated when I let them move beyond any point of comfort. Hell, I am human and I didn’t expect it not to happen. I only do have myself to blame. I know that sounds like regret and maybe a small part of me does feel like that. I have no clue what the other part feels like. I am not against making friends. Sara razzes me for having 106 people on my buddy list. I take pride in having a large circle of friends….HOWEVER….not all my friends are close friends. I think there are maybe two or three people who know everything there is to know about me, and while being silent may seem duplicitous in my friendships, I prefer to think of it as concealing all the dark corners of my life that should not have to have any bearing on my friendships except for those nosey little fuckers who make it their business to find out. The way I think about it, the more people know, the closer they are, and the closer they are, the harder it is when the friendship ends or dissipates. And that is not pessimism; that is realism. Makes me sound misanthropic and lonely but it is not like I give all my friendships lip service for the purpose of making other people happy. I wouldn’t waste my time and you really can’t pick your friends sometimes. As my best friend’s mom once said: People are thrown in your life sometimes for no reason and you may never figure it out. But you will find them when you least expect it and smile when you realize why.