So I have essentially become a recluse in my own apartment. I think I left my place in the last four days for a total of an hour, and I am being generous. I can’t seem to motivate myself to get out and do anything.
Even writing seems like such a daunting task for me. I did get one bite and sent in the additional requested pages, but I am sure that will take time. I have some really great ideas brewing, but I need to move past whatever this is so I can get back to writing.
The other pursuits are fine It is testing my patience, but I need to stop and assert myself to myself every once in a while (read: day) before I lose my mind. I guess I feel like I have something to prove.
Does not help that I don’t seem to have support from everyone back home. I swear, I leave and expect my name to be kept out of pithy gossiped conversations and I have to keep hearing about it. It should not bother me that some people seem to think I am not going to “make it” – whatever that means – up here, but it does. That just fuels me some more.
The best revenge is success. And why should I have to waste emotional energy when life and karma are enough to take care of any naysayer and muckraker.
Had a visit from a good friend last week and even though we both tried to let go and have fun, we are both burdened with things that just did not allow us to just have as much fun as we could.
I am down to on job now, as Lit2Go ends this week (no more funding). And I do not think I am going to get a full load of classes next semester due to all the student complaints I received.
Apparently, failing students for plagiarizing and following college approved and mandated course policies (which pisses off students who don’t follow directions) flags me as a problem. I don’t quite understand the logic behind it although I recognize the postmodernistic corporatization of the post-secondary education system behind it all. Cogs in machines. Trying to find a new job was not something I was looking forward to doing as it is not easy to do at all. Too overqualified. Not qualified enough. Too ethnic. Not ethnic enough.
But we soldier on.
I have nothing of any rhetorical importance to say as I have been out of touch with the world. Hoping to get my citizenship in the next two months. Owe the IRS a shitload of money because UT did not take out enough taxes. Debt still not paid off.
Mamma said there’d be days like this….she wasn’t just whistling Dixie.
I figure all this emotional upheaval and stress will either get so bad that my head will pop or the dam will explode and my creative juices will spew forth all over the page.
You know what I mean.